Juvenile Behaviour
by Crystal Candle
Summary: strange things are happening at the SGC, a virus seems to cause SG1 to act out of character!


Juvenile Behaviour Title: Juvenile Behaviour  
  
Author: Crystal Candle  
  
E-mail: crystal_candle@hotmail.com Status: Complete  
  
Category: Romance, humour, challenge  
  
Pairings: Sam/Jack  
  
Spoilers: none  
  
Season: 5  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Content Warnings: none  
  
Summary: response to the challenge below. Strange things happen at the SGC.causing juvenile behaviour!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or shows, I just write my own original works for others to enjoy, without profit or any gain.  
  
Challenge #1,803 (Added March 9, 2002)  
  
I'd like to see a very humorous fic about absolutely anything. Must include at least five of the following: 1.Teal'c gets hooked on bananas.  
  
2. Replicators referred to as "Lego spiders."  
  
3. Thor punches Jack in the nose.  
  
4. Jack flips at Sam for saying "MacGyver."  
  
5. Walter gets in a tantrum, throws down his headset and storms out.  
  
6. Daniel gets hooked on a sarcophagus again.  
  
7. Miracle hair grow which makes an afro appear on Hammond's head.  
  
8. Must include the phrase: "Yeah? Well maybe I don't WANNA kree!" and some reference to chocolate custard and bean pie. Submitted by Zoe  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Unauthorised off-world activation" Walter announced as the stargate sprung to life. Hammond and SG1 who were in the briefing room at the time, quickly ran down to check out what was going on.  
  
"Are we receiving any ID?" Hammond asked immediately. "No Sir." SG1 and Hammond stood in a line behind Walter as they waited anxiously to see what would happen. The seventh symbol engaged and the stargate kept spinning, at which point all lights and computers turned off - plunging the SGC into darkness.  
  
"This looks familiar." Came Jack's remark through the darkness, and he ran down to the stargate to greet what would undoubtedly be a member of the Asguard. "Sir, it must be the Asguard." Sam told Hammond. "Open the Iris" he ordered without second thought. "8th chevron is locked." Came Walters voice and the plume of shimmery water sprung out of the stargate.  
  
Sam, Daniel, Teal'C and Hammond had joined Jack at this point, as the familiar figure of Thor descended down the ramp. Thor walked straight up to Jack as he usually "Greetings O'Niell." "Hi Thor, how's it going?"  
  
Thor's face took on a saddened look as he proceeded to tell them of the Asguard's latest troubles with the Replicators. "We have no more ideas on how to solve this current dilemma, which is why I have called upon you and your. 'stupid ideas'." Jack looked to General Hammond to see what he thought "General?" "Lets go to the briefing room and see what we can come up with. Shall we?" he gestured to Thor to follow him.  
  
In the briefing room, they were all sat down apart from Thor who was yet again explaining the problem, all through which Jack seemed to be very gittery and wouldn't stop tapping his pen loudly on his pad.  
  
Looking across the table at him, Sam tried to give him a look of annoyance at his fidgitness, but he carried on regardless - not seeming to take any notice of what Thor had to say. Daniel sitting next to him tried to nudge him in the ribs to grab his attention, at which Jack loudly cried out "what the hell are you doing?!"  
  
Silence hit the briefing room as all eyes turned to Jack. "What? He started it!" Jack pointed out childishly, and continued tapping his pen. "Colonel, are you alright?" Hammond asked sounding irritated. "Fine Sir." "Then can you please stop tapping that pen and concentrate?" Hammond all but shouted at him.  
  
Jack sighed heavily, drawing more stares from his friends. "Do you wish to say something Colonel?" Hammond asked in a deadly voice. The tapping stopped and Jack sat up straighter in his chair. "Actually General yes there is! I don't honestly see what all this fuss is about, they're only over-sized lego spiders for crying out loud! How hard can it be to get rid of them?"  
  
His friends and colleges stopped to stare open mouthed at him. "Colonel." Sam started, but Thor cut in with the nearest to a shout they had ever heard from him -"O'Niell!!"  
  
"Sorry Thor, did I offend you?" Jack asked sarcastically. Thor walked menacingly towards Jack muttering in his own language. When he reached Jack he visibly tried to calm down. "O'Niell, are you not willing to help fight against the Replictaors?"  
  
"What you mean those lego spiders? Ooohh. how scary are they?" "They are not merely lego spiders!!" Thor shouted, his anger back in full force. "They are the most deadly threat to the Asguard existence that there is!"  
  
At which Jack laughed hysterically, seeming to find the comment the funniest thing he had ever heard. "Colonel O'Niell you are out of line." General Hammond stood up in anger. Jack continued to laugh and his friends could only watch as Thor lunged at him and punched him square in the nose, then beat him in the stomach. Hammond rushed forwards and grabbed Thor around the waist, holding him back from harming Jack any further. He dragged him out of the room with Thor's arms flailing, shouting "You will regret that insult O'Niell, the Asguard will make you pay!!"  
  
Sam, Daniel and Teal'c sat looking at their friend who was currently holding his face in pain, still able to hear the angry Thor's shouts from outside the door. "Colonel O'Niell, I believe you should see Dr Frasier." Teal'C stated calmly.  
  
"Yeah Jack, what the hell got into you?" Daniel said accusingly, wondering if the human/ Asguard alliance could ever be repaired.  
  
Jack looked up and accepted some tissues Sam handed him across the table to wipe the blood away from his face. His expression was one of total disbelief. "I.I don't know what got into me. Suddenly I just really didn't care about the Replicators and the Asguard. I do understand how important it is, you gotta believe me I don't know why I said those things." He looked imploringly at the rest of SG1 to see if they believed him.  
  
"Maybe you should see Frasier Sir, there might be some alien influence at work here or something." Sam suggested. "Umm.. Frasier isn't back till later, she's taking Cassy somewhere." Daniel told them. "Let's go to the infirmary anyway, at least we can get your nose sorted till she comes back." Sam told him and handed him more tissues. Jack just nodded and let them lead the way to the infirmary.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Dr Jackson?" Hammond called out as he saw Daniel walking past him in the corridor. Daniel turned around. "General?" "Are you on your way to the commissary?" "Yes Sir I am, would you like to join me?" "Actually I would, I'd like to talk to you about Jack's little outburst this morning."  
  
Daniel nodded in understanding and the two walked the rest of the way to the commissary. "How's the Colonel's nose?" Hammond asked. "Ahh.. he's ok, his nose wasn't broken but it will need some time to heal." "And his strange behaviour earlier? Do we know why he did it, because as blunt and undiplomatic as Colonel O'Niell may be sometimes, his behaviour today was out of character."  
  
"After you took Thor out of the briefing room he seemed to come to his senses and looked really confused about the whole incident." "He doesn't know why he did it?" Hammond asked, becoming worried that there was more going on here than he first thought. "No, apparently not." Daniel and Hammond stopped briefly in the corridor right outside the commissary doors.  
  
Shouting could be heard inside so they rushed in quickly, afraid that maybe Jack was causing more trouble. But the scene they were confronted with was not what they expected at all.  
  
"You do have more bananas, you are hiding them from me!" Teal'C was shouting at the staff. "Honestly Mr Teal'C, you have eaten them all." "I do not believe you Tauri!!" at which point Teal'c grabbed a nearby steak knife and thrust it in the man's direction. "You will give me what I want or you will suffer the consequences!" Teal'C threatened him.  
  
"Teal'C, what the hell is going on here?" Hammond shouted and strode towards the violent Jaffa. Teal'C whipped round to face General Hammond, only to point the knife at him instead. "General Hammond I must have more bananas!"  
  
"I'm sorry son, but you heard the man, there aren't any left. They can't give you what they don't have." "They deceive me and now so do you!" Teal'C 's breathing was becoming more laboured with his shouting and irritation, so much so that Daniel half thought the Jaffa would hyper-ventilate and pass out.  
  
"Put the knife down or I will have you restrained!" Hammond was becoming very concerned that this would turn ugly at any moment. He nodded to some soldiers eating nearby and they came to stand around Teal'C.  
  
"If I do not get more bananas in the next few minutes I cannot be held responsible for my actions!" Hammond decided that this was enough and nodded to the soldiers to disarm him and take him away, which they did so with some difficulty, but eventually Teal'C was out of the commissary and in isolation.  
  
A very stressed Hammond turned to Daniel. "I think we can safely say that something's going on here, and I intend to find out what it is before it affects more people." "Maybe we should page Janet, get her here." Daniel suggested. "Good idea Dr Jackson. Let's get right on it."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Back in the control room overlooking the stargate, Jack and Sam had just returned from the commissary with some desserts to help them through the work they knew they had to do. Walter was still at his post keeping an eye on stargate functions, and although he usually enjoyed Major Carter's company, today she and Colonel O'Niell seemed to be in a very silly mood which was becoming increasingly irritating.  
  
"What do we have left to eat Major, I'm still hungry." Jack asked from his seat next to her at the controls. "Just the last piece of chocolate custard and bean pie." Sam tried to sound casual. "Oooh really? My favourite!" Jack went to take the plate but Sam grabbed it first. "Hey! I want some too!" She whined at him.  
  
"Why shouldn't I have it?" Jack asked. "Why should you have it?" Sam replied, knowing that this was going to be full on war now. "Why? Because I'm bigger than you and so need more food." Score one for O'Niell! Jack thought.  
  
"No, that just means that you need to go on a diet, leaving me with the pie." "I do not need a diet!" "You so do!" "Do not!" "Do!"  
  
Next to them Walter sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. He was getting more annoyed as time passed, and he was getting a headache from their shouting match. He looked to his side to see Jack and Sam standing right in front of each other shouting something about an arm wrestling match to decide who would get the pie.  
  
"You're a girl, you won't win!" Jack was taunting her. "Why you." Sam lunged aggressively at Jack, very pissed off at his sexist remark. They fought for a while, knocking things over in the process.  
  
"Stop stop! You might hit something important!" Walter was screaming at them. Jack had just hurled Sam around and thrown her back against the wall. They seemed to notice all of a sudden the position they were in - very close to each other breathing hard. Jack leaned in to kiss her and they proceeded to hungrily devour each other right there in the control room.  
  
"You can't do this, you can't!" Walter was shouting at them. Jack paused just as his hands had slipped under Sam's top, he tore himself away from the object of his desire and turned to find a very red-faced angry Walter.  
  
Jack looked to Sam and they both started laughing at the look on Walter's face. "This is not funny you guys. You could get in serious trouble for this!" Jack walked slowly towards the irate man. "That's not what this is really about is it?" he accused.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Walter was immediately on the defensive. "You're just jealous aren't you?" Jack smiled nastily. " You wanted Sam for yourself, but you see she doesn't like you. Walter. she likes me. So why don't you just piss off and leave us alone huh?"  
  
If possible Walter's face went even redder and his hands started shaking with anger. "That is not true! I'm gonna report you to General Hammond."  
  
"Whatever, you just can't stand the fact that you'll never get to do this." Jack turned back to Sam and kissed her gently and lovingly, making a show of how much they cared for each other in front of Walter.  
  
"That's it! I can't take anymore!" The man screamed and threw down his headset. "Walter, you broke your toy!" Jack teased as the headset crackled and sparked. He didn't stay any longer to hear any more and ran out of the control room, with Jack and Sam's laughter following him out the door.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Daniel walked into the infirmary to find Hammond and Frasier already there. "You wanted to see me?" "Dr Jackson, General Hammond briefed me on the situation over the phone and I got here as soon as possible. I think the first thing I'd like to do would be to take some blood samples, If you wouldn't mind?" She gestured for him to take the nearest bed.  
  
"Sure, but I haven't acted strange yet. Why do you want my blood?" Daniel asked rolling up his sleeves. "I have paged Teal'C aswell, that way I'll can do tests on someone who has exhibited the behaviour, and someone who hasn't. As with the 'Touched' incident you may be immune to something on base that's causing these behavioural problems." Frasier explained swiftly while taking blood at the same time. "Teal'C's been released?" Daniel asked Hammond surprised. "He calmed down rapidly after he was taken away. I decided he was no longer going to be a threat to himself or anyone else."  
  
"Dr Frasier. You are back." Teal'C appeared in the doorway. "Ah Teal'C, if you'd sit over there for a few minutes, I can do my tests and let you get back to whatever you were doing. It won't take long." "Are you attempting to determine why Colonel O'Niell and myself have acted out of character?" "Yes I am Teal'C.  
  
Teal'C turned towards General Hammond. "My sincerest apologies General Hammond. I did not know what I was doing." "That's ok son, obviously something is affecting your judgement." Hammond replied with a reassuring smile. "Nevertheless, I want you to know that I have the utmost respect for you, and I will not lose control of myself like that again." Teal'C bowed his head towards Hammond as a sign of apology. "Thank you Teal'C, but I'm not sure you'll have any say in the matter if it happens to you again."  
  
"Well I've taken all the samples I need, I'll get right on it and report back to you any findings as soon as they happen." Frasier informed Hammond. "Thank you doctor. Let's hope this is sorted out soon."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Teal'C left the infirmary and headed back to his quarters hoping to catch a few hours of Kelnoreem in peace, when he came across Sam and Jack happily skipping down the corridors hand in hand. The scene reminded him of 'the wizard of oz' when Dorothy went down the yellow brick road with her friends, and it may have made him smile but for an object clutched tightly in Jack's hand.  
  
"O'Niell, halt!" Teal'C instructed as he stood in front of the pair, blocking their path. "Teal'C! What ya doin'?" Jack asked confused by his friend's behaviour, just as Daniel came walking up behind Teal'C and noticed something was up.  
  
"Err.. Teal'C are you ok?" Daniel asked, then saw Sam and Jack's too-happy faces and holding hands. "Guys. are you ok? Maybe we ought to all go to the infirmary." "We're fine Daniel, Jack and I were just taking a walk when Teal'C stopped us." Sam told him with an innocent smile on her face.  
  
Daniel looked at Teal'C, who was staring fixedly at Jack with a manic expression on his face. "Teal'C buddy." Jack started. "O'Niell, give me that banana." He pointed at his hand. "Why? I was gonna eat it." Jack said, looking to Sam and Daniel to see if they knew why he wanted it.  
  
Daniel thought he'd interrupt here. "Ahh.. guys it might be a good idea to do as he wants. He threatened Hammond earlier over a banana." He explained to them, but as he said it he knew that was a bad idea. Jack's face took on one of pleasure, and Daniel just knew that he was going to use this opportunity to tease the obsessed Jaffa.  
  
"Oh, you want this?" Jack asked lightly, holding the banana out in front of him. "I do indeed." Teal'C growled. "Hmm." then Jack peeled the banana and took a huge bite out of the top. "This banana?"  
  
This action threw Teal'C into a fit of rage as he ran at Jack. Jack and Sam ran some way down the corridor and then stopped while Jack took another bite out of the banana. "O'Niell Kree, or suffer my wrath!!!" "Yeah? Well maybe I don't WANNA Kree!" Jack shouted back, as he and Sam took off again. Daniel sighed and resigned himself to the fact that he was going to have to follow them and make sure they didn't hurt each other.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Standing in the infirmary, Janet summarised her findings to General Hammond. "What has been affecting the SGC personnel is definitely a virus Sir, and upon comparing my notes with Thor, it seems that this virus is Asguard in origin. Thor himself must have brought it through the stargate with him."  
  
"Do they have a cure?" "They do, and I have it ready to be injected into everyone one base Sir. The affecst will be gone in a few hours." Frasier finished.  
  
"Well done Doctor. So now all we need to do is locate SG1, the only ones to show any symptoms as yet." Hammond said walking towards the phone ready to call for assistance in finding them.  
  
He didn't get far though, as a noise out in the corridor attracted his attention. Walking away from the phone and opening the door, Hammond and Frasier watched with amazement as first Jack ran past the door eating a banana and shouting "You won't catch me!"  
  
Then Sam was right behind him catching hold of his hand as they ran together through the corridor, shouting abuse behind them.  
  
Next ran past a very irate Teal'C, and Daniel close behind shouting "You guys! You really ought to go to the infirmary you know!"  
  
Hammond looked at Frasier, both with disbelieving faces. "We should probably go after them Sir." Frasier suggested, but the only reply she got was a loud hoot of laughter from Hammond.  
  
She looked at him, wondering if maybe he too had been affected by the virus. Still Hammond continued to laugh, until he saw Frasier's concerned face. "It's alright Doctor, I just had to laugh. It's been one hell of a weird day!" Frasier smiled at him glad to see he was still sane.  
  
"This is the SGC Sir, weird is part of the job!"  
  
THE END 


End file.
